Stages of Grief/Mourning

     In keeping with the grief/mourning theme from last month's blog, I thought I'd list the stages of grief/mourning.  Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls them "dimensions", which means "an extension in a given direction."  I agree with his terminology, but for the sake of familiarity, I'll stick with "stages."

     With most lists each step is orderly; a natural progression from one step to the other.  With grief/mourning there is no order, except I do feel that we all initially experience Shock and Denial to some degree when a loss occurs in our lives.  Therefore, as you read this list, please do not feel you move to each stage in order.  People may experience some or all of the stages in no particular order because each has their own personal history.  The 7 stages are:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Guilt and Pain
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope    

      Again, let me reiterate, please construe the stages loosely.  You may experience some or all of the stages in no particular order and, possibly, some stages twice.  As they say in Pirates of the Caribbean, "they're just guidelines."  There is no absolute end point or timetable for this process.  The degree to which we are affected varies individually and depends on how deeply we feel the loss.  Dr. Wolfelt states "To lesson your hurt, you must embrace it.  As strange as it may seem, you must make it your friend."  Give yourself permission to mourn.  As you process your grief, you will continue to change and grow on a personal level.

      In future blogs, I will be explaining each of the stages so they can be better understood.  Listing them was just the beginning!

      In Stephen Levin's book Who Dies? he says "Krishna left a road map, Buddha left a road map, Jesus left a road map, Rand McNally left a road map.  But still you have to travel the road yourself."  I encourage you to embrace the pain, travel the road, so you can live and love again.

Namaste

Our Gift of Mourning

For most people when you say the word “mourning” they think of the death of a loved one, but losses have many faces. There is the loss of a house or job, the loss of independence, the loss of a relationship with friends or a significant other, and of course, the loss of a loved one through death. All of these losses need to be mourned. Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, an internationally known author and grief counselor states that mourning is “grief gone public”.

God has equipped us with the capacity to integrate our life transitions, losses and endings in our lives. When losses occur, we feel sadness and pain.

So why don’t we mourn? Well, family history could be one reason. We may have been raised never to cry or show our emotions because it would be a sign of weakness. Mourning is painful and we may not want to go through the pain. We may medicate to rid ourselves from the symptoms of mourning. We are uncomfortable with the feelings of being lost and confused that we keep busy, avoiding any “down time”.

David Wolpe states “The frightening thing about loss is what we do to ourselves to avoid it. We know we cannot live without losing, but this knowledge does not prevent us from seeking to protect ourselves. So we narrow our souls. We draw ourselves tighter and tighter. No longer open to the world with all its hurts, we feel safe. By narrowing ourselves, though, we end up with more hurt than if we were free.”

If we do not go through the mourning process we may have difficulties with trust and intimacy; experience depression and have a negative outlook; have panic attacks and anxiety, numb feelings through addictions and substance abuse, or have physical problems.

In Act of John in the Gnostic Scripture it states “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

God has given us our gift of mourning. When we make the choice to go into the dark tunnel of mourning, God supports us, loves us, and comforts us. Going through the tunnel is painful, scary and you are stepping into the unknown. But it states in Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”.

We are not alone, God is with us always. When you step out of the tunnel on the other side the air smells fresher and the light is brighter. You have made it through! You are stronger physically, emotionally, mentally and, especially, spiritually.

God loves us and wants us to “live and love”. If you don’t live, you don’t love; and if you don’t love, you don’t live. So where does that leave you ---- existing and there is no fun in that!

So let’s use our gift and enjoy more fulfilling, loving and joyful lives.