Stages of Grief/Mourning Part 2

     Last month I listed the stages of grief/mourning. This time I thought I would briefly explain each for a better understanding:

1. Shock and Denial - Whether the loss is sudden or expected, a person is rarely prepared for the event.  Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.  It may last for hours, days or months.  Denial is a "kissin' cousin" to shock.  In order to avoid the pain, we deny the loss.  Most folks don't like change, so denial is a good way to avoid these changes.  Unfortunately, the longer you deny the loss, the longer you avoid facing grief.
2. Guilt and Pain - Guilt is a genuine phase of grieving/mourning.  Often people go down the "what if" list hoping that if they had changed one thing, the loss would have never occurred.  Pain creeps in after the shock wears off.  Sometimes the pain is agonizing and almost unbearable.  It is important to experience the pain fully and not avoid it through drugs and alcohol.
3. Anger and Bargaining - Anger may surface because of feelings of powerlessness and frustration.  We may feel anger toward the person or event because they caused us to be in this situation.  You may feel angry with God because of the ill-timed loss.  You may, also, be angry at yourself.  Bargaining can occur before or after the loss.  Before the loss you may bargain with God to keep your loved one alive or your house and you'll do whatever; such as, stop smoking, drinking, etc.  Bargaining after the loss is a defense mechanism and momentarily comforts some people as they ease into the truth of the situation.
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness - During this time we may close ourselves off from social interactions and may place ourselves in isolation.  Feelings of sadness and mild depression may be a part of our lives.  We recognize that the change is permanent and reflect on the things we used to do.  Loneliness settles in and we may have feelings of emptiness and despair.
5. The Upward Turn - You are adjusting to your new life without your loved one or job in your life.  You feel calmer and the depression seems to be lifting somewhat.  Your physical symptoms, i.e. loss of appetite, insomnia, aches and pains, are not as severe.  
6. Reconstruction & Working Through - As your mind becomes clearer, you become more efficient.  You are capable of solving problems, whether they are practical or financial.  You are reconstructing yourself and your life.
7. Acceptance and Hope - When we come to this, we acknowledge the situation for what it is.  We accept the loss and the reality of the situation.  We start looking forward and plan things for the future.  We anticipate some good things to come and even find joy again in our lives.

     Please remember that these stages are not sequential; you may experience some in any order.  The important thing is to embrace each phase and work through them.  Give yourself permission to mourn, so you may live and love again.

Namaste

  

Stages of Grief/Mourning

     In keeping with the grief/mourning theme from last month's blog, I thought I'd list the stages of grief/mourning.  Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls them "dimensions", which means "an extension in a given direction."  I agree with his terminology, but for the sake of familiarity, I'll stick with "stages."

     With most lists each step is orderly; a natural progression from one step to the other.  With grief/mourning there is no order, except I do feel that we all initially experience Shock and Denial to some degree when a loss occurs in our lives.  Therefore, as you read this list, please do not feel you move to each stage in order.  People may experience some or all of the stages in no particular order because each has their own personal history.  The 7 stages are:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Guilt and Pain
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope    

      Again, let me reiterate, please construe the stages loosely.  You may experience some or all of the stages in no particular order and, possibly, some stages twice.  As they say in Pirates of the Caribbean, "they're just guidelines."  There is no absolute end point or timetable for this process.  The degree to which we are affected varies individually and depends on how deeply we feel the loss.  Dr. Wolfelt states "To lesson your hurt, you must embrace it.  As strange as it may seem, you must make it your friend."  Give yourself permission to mourn.  As you process your grief, you will continue to change and grow on a personal level.

      In future blogs, I will be explaining each of the stages so they can be better understood.  Listing them was just the beginning!

      In Stephen Levin's book Who Dies? he says "Krishna left a road map, Buddha left a road map, Jesus left a road map, Rand McNally left a road map.  But still you have to travel the road yourself."  I encourage you to embrace the pain, travel the road, so you can live and love again.

Namaste

Our Gift of Mourning

For most people when you say the word “mourning” they think of the death of a loved one, but losses have many faces. There is the loss of a house or job, the loss of independence, the loss of a relationship with friends or a significant other, and of course, the loss of a loved one through death. All of these losses need to be mourned. Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, an internationally known author and grief counselor states that mourning is “grief gone public”.

God has equipped us with the capacity to integrate our life transitions, losses and endings in our lives. When losses occur, we feel sadness and pain.

So why don’t we mourn? Well, family history could be one reason. We may have been raised never to cry or show our emotions because it would be a sign of weakness. Mourning is painful and we may not want to go through the pain. We may medicate to rid ourselves from the symptoms of mourning. We are uncomfortable with the feelings of being lost and confused that we keep busy, avoiding any “down time”.

David Wolpe states “The frightening thing about loss is what we do to ourselves to avoid it. We know we cannot live without losing, but this knowledge does not prevent us from seeking to protect ourselves. So we narrow our souls. We draw ourselves tighter and tighter. No longer open to the world with all its hurts, we feel safe. By narrowing ourselves, though, we end up with more hurt than if we were free.”

If we do not go through the mourning process we may have difficulties with trust and intimacy; experience depression and have a negative outlook; have panic attacks and anxiety, numb feelings through addictions and substance abuse, or have physical problems.

In Act of John in the Gnostic Scripture it states “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

God has given us our gift of mourning. When we make the choice to go into the dark tunnel of mourning, God supports us, loves us, and comforts us. Going through the tunnel is painful, scary and you are stepping into the unknown. But it states in Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”.

We are not alone, God is with us always. When you step out of the tunnel on the other side the air smells fresher and the light is brighter. You have made it through! You are stronger physically, emotionally, mentally and, especially, spiritually.

God loves us and wants us to “live and love”. If you don’t live, you don’t love; and if you don’t love, you don’t live. So where does that leave you ---- existing and there is no fun in that!

So let’s use our gift and enjoy more fulfilling, loving and joyful lives.